Saturday, 20 June 2015

10 mythical creatures they say could exist I say no no no, impossible

10 mythical creatures that might exist OR NOT

today we are looking at 10 mythical creatures 100 you tubers are trying to convince you they might exist, but I will demonstrate they are not and why.

10. the werewolf is a creature that is a scary half wolf and half human. so if you walk one night on the street, a werewolf will jump from the bush, bite you, inject you with some kind of virus and you become a werewolf yourself, feeding with blood, and fighting vampires. The legends are old and some people might believe in their existence, even today, as documented clearly in the movie twilight, but stay calm, they cannot be real as it is exhausting to be aggressive all the time, attack humans and eat blood.
eating only blood is a low fibre diet so it won;t be long until you get constipated, hence the aggressive behaviour. There are no records of digestive disorders hospital check ins, so there are no werewolves.



that is low calorie diet, and it won't be long until you will end up is hospital with serious dietary issues. guess what. there is no records in any hospital to check in constipated werewolf in desperate need of some fibre. And also Jake the vampire, chases his human chick that keeps rejecting him...no wonder he will not reproduce, but also destroys the myth of werewolves being scary and stuff.

9. chupacabra or the goat sucker is a creatures that was allegedly reported to attack sheep and drink their blood in Central and South America. Apparently in March 1995 in Puerto Rico, the incredible large amount of 8 sheep were discovered dead, with 3 punctures in their chest and no blood. Few months later, several other reports have been made,  not very far from the first incidents.  The initial report was done by  women Madelyne Tolentino, who described the creature just like the beast in the movie Species, which she just happened to see few days before. I wonder if that is a coincidence. no physical proofs of this animal have ever been found, but people are suckers for horror stories.
if you are looking at this picture, and you believe it, you are an idiot.

now there we go

8. the centaur is half man half horse and they were a species living somewhere close to Greece. the legend appeared probably due the nice looking man riding horses in Greece a long time ago, and there is something gay about it. Centaurs are mostly man, but let's be honest there are also some female centauresses as well. it makes you wonder, how did they reproduce, like horses, or like people. the greek sculpture you see right now, it is a greek hero beating the heel out of centaur. this is so gay. i cannot take my eyes out of it. last question before I go, these centaurs would eat grass, or people like food, mcdonalds and stuff?

7. Mermaids are half fish half gorgeous women with big boobs and sings well. why not male mermaid? well, I will tell you. the legend was invented by sailors after months at sea, with no women around, they would shag anything, including a fish. they have these halucinations of a gorgeous babe singing on a rock and make they loose their minds and break the boat. this is how you justify it to your boss for breaking property back then.
anyway, half fish half chick with boobs. question is, would a mermaid lay eggs' or give birth. I say the eggs scenarios is better as there are no bottom lady parts, but that makes you think, why boobies, as they defy the purpose. Geez, it is so confusing. how do you sleep with this thing?

6. dragons spitting fire are scary creatures that come in various shapes, and sizes, and sometime with multiple heads. What they do, they scare you off and spit fire. now let's think for a second. If an animal would spit fire, that means it can create energy for heating, cooking and melting metal to do objects. I reckon if humans can fly to the moon, there will be people able to negotiate with the dragon some sort of agreement, as we fed them whatever, and they spit on water tanks, so we do not burn fuel any longer and this way we can all become friends and save the planet.
don't you agree?

5. the vampires are my favourite creatures, as they are sexy, live at night, sleep in coffins, very uncomfortable if you ask me, and they come to suck your blood so you will become a vampire too. why, because they can have all the sex in the world and no guilt factor. apparently vampires have orgies and there is no such thing as boyfriend girlfriend experience. and for that reason, I would love to be bitten. no worries, no work, no taxes, nothing. an eternity of entertainment.
 if you want to become a vampire, just google it and you will find detailed instructions. if you go ahead, and are successful, please send me a note, as I would like to join you and live forever. could be so much fun.

4. the unicorn is a horse with a horn. it is believed that it can be captures only by a virgin. it si pretty much one of the lamest mythical creatures as it does not do anything special or spectacular. it is a horse with a horn. big deal. why going so much trouble to train a virgin to capture a horse like any other horses, just a horn on the head, that beats me.
I actually i think i know the answer. for the meat. apparently you can google it it and you can buy it in a can. if you have ever tasted it, can you let me know? i am curious how many idiots are out there.

3. the goat man is a creature like a human , but  with fur and horns like a goat. It might be a resurrection of the ancient greek Minotaur, the guy who beat the crap out of Hercules in that time. there is an "real official report" in 1957, that the goat man was seen by eye witnesses in Prince George County, Virginia USA. After a wave of sightings, the beast decided to lay low for few years to avoid the press and came back in force in 1962 and killed 12 children and 2 adults who happened  to go hiking in his surroundings. it must have been the rage accumulated in isolation. no shite. seriously. the unidentified survivors of the attack, said he was like the devil.

2. bigfoot or the american human ape that does not want to be discovered is a creature so mysterious, that is about 3 meters high, and guess what, it deals have very large feet. apparently there were sightings of this creaturem and even captured on film, and people still wonder why is it so shy that does not want to meet us. I say it is bollock, from 2 reasons. if  big foot would be real, it would have all the reasons to come forward. Imagine how much attention, and free food would it get. also I still do not understand what is so big fuss about it. a large ape with large feet, so what? we have humans with large body parts that are far more impressive than that. check out mu video on humans with large body parts and i am sure you will be impressed.

1. The liger is a creature discovered and invented by Napoleon Dynamite, my father. it is pretty much my favourite animal and it is like a lion and tiger mixed and bred for its magic skills. there are still mysteries surrounding this creature and research says that it is possible to cross a lion and a tiger. i do not believe that, but for the respect of my father, Napoleon, I would like to keep this creature alive and real in our minds and hearts.